Compare this, bitch!

Deadlines are bullshit.

Okay, I realize that the above statement is, in fact, what is bullshit. How would anything ever get done without deadlines?? Basically, my frustration with deadlines today comes from the recent shakedown of us honours students in our department. Several months ago, we were told that a draft of our thesis had to be in by May 8th (the day before graduation, and at the time it was 6 months away). Now, the profs have changed their minds and want the completed thesis on their desks April 8th! Tell me that is not bullshit! So basically, 4 weeks of work time has been shaved off, leaving only 6 weeks to finish.

This thesis will be the death of me (I think I've said that before).

A major frustration has been the serious lack of organization of this department. I realize that we are the first batch of honours students in the criminology department, but seriously, couldn't they have consulted with another department that has a long standing history of honours students? Did they really have to turn this into a fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants operation? The countdown to getting out of this Mess-o-education that is Saint Thomas University has truly begun!

So I decided today that I'm pretty much a stone cold bitch. I never really noticed before, but I really am. Maybe its just around certain people who really piss me off. For example, there is this dude in 2 of my classes (for purposes of realism, I will call him Hootie). Hootie is about the most obnoxious person that ever existed. Don't even think that you know someone even more obnoxious, because you don't! Straight up!

Anyways, I realized that I have no shame in making fun of this bastard right in front of his face. I don't care if he hears me. Now, usually I would care. I mercilessly make fun of people all of the time, but if ever busted, I am thouroughly embarrassed. Not so with Hootie. That is stone cold.

I can live with it.

Jenn

Smells like corral.

Well, I'm still kinda feeling like I don't want to be in the honours program but I'm feeling a bit better about my overall situation. Tonight I found out that the thesis is due one month earlier than I thought, which oddly enough did not send me over the edge.

Tonight I talked with Shelley and Mel who are in my program and we had one of the best phone conversations I've had in a long time (first 3 way call since junior high!). We all vented alot about how bullshit our program is and made fun of people in our classes. It was nice to have a conversation about something other than school, although we spent a large portion of our time making fun of people in our classes. It was awesome to make fun of these people with others who understood exactly where I was coming from rather than making fun of them to third parties who have no idea who these people are (does that make sense?). I think I need to have more conversations like that! Thanks guys!

Anyways, its 2am and I should really be going to bed but I wanted to update since its been so long. More later.

Jenn

PS. Mel-hope your T&A feel better
PPS. Shelly-please stay!

Let me out!

Today has been a particularly shitty day. I'm not sure why, but suddenly I just had this wave of depression and hopelessness fall over me. Not that this hasn't happened to me before, in fact for a while depression consumed me and my life. But in recent months, things had turned around and I had gained an appriciation for life and was decently happy. Today I became overwhelmed with the idea that "I don't want to do this anymore!" By that, I mean the honours program. I know that everyone in the program has gone through the feelings of drowning, so maybe its finally my turn.

Today I've cried like I've never cried in a really long time. Part of me feels affected by feelings of loss. This weekend I was helping my mom hang photographs and she wanted to find a good picture of Blue, my dog who died 2 years ago. Flipping through countless photos, I wanted to cry then, but held it back so maybe its just hitting me today. I miss her so much, I've felt at times that I lost everything I ever truly loved when Blue died. I guess thats pretty depressing.

I've also started realizing how much I want to get out of this town. I hate it here, and I've hated it for a long time. I mean, I realized all of this before, but applying to grad schools has really motivated me to get out of here. Whether or not I get into grad school next year, I have pretty much made the decision to leave. Hopefully I can get a job far away and only have to see this crap hole on holidays when I come to visit family.

Well time to dry my eyes and get back to work.

Jenn